learning feedback diary draft

i’ve learned something valuable to me today. i surmise that i am not able to perform at my best no matter how much i push myself because some part of me has already given up; somewhere within me has already concluded that i am not enough and that i shouldn’t even try. and this is where my fear takes over because i do not want to be insufficient and i always make it a point to AT LEAST try. I’ve drawn up a defense mechanism to compensate for that fear and now i realize as i look back that indeed, i have never seen myself perform my best since gradeschool.

although it seems too dramatic in the clinical setting, the fact that we are already tackling psychiatric topics have made me stop and contemplate on the individual that i am today. after all the reflection time i’ve spent, this is the end product. bearing this is mind, there is a need for me to improve on myself but before i can, i still have to go back to take out the root that’s been holding me back.

i’ve also learned for the past two weeks, that time wasted is opportunities for growth lost. many times, my priorities weren’t really as urgent and i ended up doing things i regretted since in the end, i realized i could have used the time spent for something more productive.

villanelles

1
left hold

this is all that’s left here,
i stand high and forlorn;
the folds remain of what we hold dear

having to hear you lose breath so near,
smoke concluded sojourn;
and this is all you’ve left here

skin and bones move a year,
three seconds bear newborns;
but folds remain of what we hold dear

valleys enlightened, awash by tears,
rivers beneath all torn;
yes, this is all that’s left here

loss and anger do steer,
boils blame in flames of mourn;
yet folds remain of what we hold dear

and though the gap now sears,
adventures run adjourned;
“This vessel is but all that’s left, dear,
and folds remain of what we hold, here.”

2
a light

i’m living without a life
covered gifts with ribbons of regret;
with closed eyes I’m seeking light.

i’ve been given choice and might
but a slave of pity’s all you get;
i’m a living without life.

well-acquainted with my sights
alas, my blueprints are now all wet;
with closed eyes i’m seeking light.

had i the wisdom to fight
cold rooms would have been brighter i bet;
i’m living without a life.

it’s nature to clench fists tight
i grope alone any stand erect;
still with closed eyes, i seek light.

’cause you had to leave one night,
dusty cribs are our only asset.
i’m living and still alive;
with closed eyes, i feel their light.

3
in caution

leaves continue in motion
a lightning bolt strikes a tree.
winds may change without caution

mother nature takes action
green arms catch the fallen piece.
leaves continue in motion

bit by bit creep erosion
bark in one with earth beneath.
winds do change without caution

mushroom-lined by next season
hallowed wood filled with the sea.
leaves continue in motion

dents and lines blur in crimson
boughs become playgrounds for weeds.
winds can change without caution

life comes out of destruction,
shared roots take from one belly.
as leaves continue motion,
winds change with our emotions.

4
just taking

i wish you would just listen
you’ve cracked too much bones from heart stakes
the world isn’t yours for the taking

take control your selfish wanting
a child’s wild scowl can disintegrate
i wish you could just listen

after all you break off chains
time and again you shake your way
the world isn’t yours for the taking

your windows too often glisten
your alto is high enough to break
if only you had listened

now scraping up the broken
the owl hoots, take heed for your sake
the world isn’t yours for the taking

some leave the world forsaken
what’s shiny isn’t always great
learn how to really listen
the world isn’t yours for the taking

5

now that you’re alone
scrutinize the stains
the only worthy trust is your own

before wars are crowned
waters become poison’s claim
now you are alone

shadows on light shone
left us mute and maimed
the only worthy trust is your own

we tread on our own
go learn to deviate sane
now that you’re alone

52

now that you’re alone
in unfamiliar trains
the only trust worth keeping is your own

shadows on light shone
here in lay the absent stains
you are now alone

entered worlds unknown
walk away mute and maimed
the only trust you lacked there is your own

before sins are stoned
waters become poison’s claim
still remain alone

muscles may have grown
black pupils are still untamed
the only trust unseen here is your own

consider your loan
for each mote of dust and grain
you are left alone
the sails you hold unto are your own

why do people not succeed in being happy?

For all my years of living, I have come across countless books that made me aware of the fact that people are generally unhappy for various reasons. But why could this happen when our planet and our capable brains have already given us all the conveniences needed for survival? Let’s define the term first before we go any deeper. Aristotle, the great Greek philosopher believes that happiness is the proper end of man. He said that we should aim for it as it is a natural part of our existence. Yet, Webster simply describes it as a state of well-being and contentment. From these two, one can conclude that happiness is meant for hardworking humans. But it is more than that, for there are instances that left me thankful and satiated for unexplained reasons. I also believe that like love, happiness is something that we cannot have without consequence; it is elusive and uncommon. So why do people not succeed in being happy?

First, we are blind. We look for the wrong things and end up with nothing when it was already right there with us. What exactly blinds us? The beliefs and notions that we hold make us conclude that life is no more than material gain and making a name that will last through the centuries. It also causes us to assume, which for most simply means to expect. People assume too much and by the end, they’re the ones who get disappointed. This happens a lot, especially to me. I remember back a few years ago that I used to be an over-achiever. I was this kid who wanted to make her parents and family proud through recognition, there was nothing wrong with that, right? As the years mounted, I slowly turned sluggish and didn’t care as much for grades. This frustrated me. I used to look back and I would curse myself for not being enough. I assumed too that the people close to me thought of me that way. So I assured myself and my imaginary frustrated family, thinking that this was just a small break and I would eventually rise back up. But I never did. I found out later on that it was actually me who had set standards too high for me to grasp to compensate for the lost years when I wasn’t ‘enough’ in their eyes. All the while, my family kept telling me that it wasn’t the recognition or the achievements that were important but the lessons and the wisdom that we learn and practice along the way. So that explains why I was so angst-ridden in my early teenage years: I screened my vision of the person that I was and impaired my esteem all because I assumed wrongly that I would be happy and my parents would be happy IF I remained on top. I ended up expecting too much and became depressed.

Secondly, I think it also has to do with our connection with God. It is a common idea that we descended from God, the almighty father. So as children, we would naturally want to be gods ourselves. We wish to be infallible and immortal like him. This is manifested by the decaying bodies that we still keep and refuse to let go and all the efforts we do to attain flawless ivory skin. But humans attaining the same level as the father will never happen. We can only be gods by the perfect love that God shares with us and when we share that same love with others as well. From this theory comes another possibility: what if we were never meant to be happy in this life because we are incapable of being contented? We are after all, selfish beings by nature whose thirst for gratification is as deep as the ocean. To illustrate this argument, take a look at the dreams of the youth. Are they not huge ambitions which are too much for the size of the average adolescent? I won’t deny it: I do want more than my fair share; I too dream of stars that are far beyond my reach because I want to make my family stable.

The last theory that I have is my favorite. I have thought about this long and hard, and I play it over and over in my head to analyze it even more thoroughly. Maybe because of our busy but monotonous routines, we forget to be happy. Maybe once upon a time, all of earth enjoyed a state of profound happiness but then it eventually faded as soon as man invented work, standards and logic. Have you observed babies when they play and then compare their actions to people our age or much older people? Do you notice the light in their eyes, the curiosity shining through? As babies, man, I believe, is absorbed with excitement, wonder and smiles, requiring only the basic amenities (milk, food, water, love, rest and play) in order to survive. But as we age, we become more complicated and the sense of wonder and contentment dissipates in the background.

When I think of it, these three are interrelated somehow. And I believe that they hold some answers no matter if they are proven to be true or not. I really think humans forget to be happy because they have such high expectations due to their ambitions and their dreams of surpassing heaven. We blind ourselves with temporary elements to pass the time and to create a reason to forget. We forget how to be grateful and how to take happiness out of ourselves and spread it all around us. The issue isn’t so much as not succeeding to be happy but rather, to remember how to be complacent and grateful by living purely everyday.

into the waters

Life goes flowing where waves of time meet the shore

One person makes the difference

One hand can cause or break the fall

no date

maybe

Maybe we were all born contented but because of the world, we forget the feeling of happiness.

Aug 16’07

growing up

At some point, our chests become too heavy and overwhelming that it drives us to tears. But what for? We have to learn to grow up. We have to accept the responsibilities because like it or not, this is life. When our yoke is heavier than what we are accustomed to, it’s either we cope and deal with it or we run away and never grow up.

Dec 28’06

true strength

Childhood and innocent crimes

How long ago they seem

Seasons change and pass us by

Now the sapling is a tree.

It holds its ground firmly

Though the wood is dry and bare

Even after men have stolen its fruits

The tree remains standing there.

Tempests have come and gone

Most wounds now appear as scars

 

But the trunk is still intact and strong

The leaves continue to look at the stars.

Humbly they move along with the wind

Witnessing changes unfold

Although painful, change can be good

It reminds us that we are getting old

The leaves now start to fall

As the angels start to weep

Tomorrow a new coat of leaves will be born

And by then, the cracks wouldn’t be so deep.

Feb15’06

sound of silence

In silence do we only realize our mistakes and shortcomings we’ve made in the past. It is in solitude too that we are able to see and appreciate the splendor of life as we ponder into the depths of our souls. But it is also the time when we feel pain the most. Without communication, two lovers who have known each other suddenly seem so distant, like strangers brought together by chance. In those quiet moments, he reflects deeply. Yet in those same moments, she counts the endless tears which he never caught and wiped away.

 no date

batch

Who can say where will go

After years of growing together?

I don’t want to leave this place

This is where I want to belong

 

Here with you by my side

Riding life with wide eyed smiles

In this spot where I grew up

You and me sharing each other

 

Hey look at us,

Look how tall we’ve grown

We walked far and wide

Look at all the things we’ve learned

no date

A body dies but the soul lingers still

Memories betray the test of time

Sometimes the power of words can kill

All you need is an unguarded moment, a silly rhyme