“72 ang pinaka lumpa sa tanan debaters.”

so maybe i wasn’t able to get over it. we lost the debate because we lacked matter and enough evidence to support our arguments. i know also for a fact that i AM the weakest link of the team since overall, i had the lowest speakership scores. but then again, i was able to provide some research background on the topics, my “shared sciences” argument was utilized and put into good use and like everyone out there, i did try my best..

i think i got past all that yesterday after eating my ice cream.

my depression over the regret and the self-blame only resurfaced after i browsed through my usb and found an article which could have been useful. and i never printed it.

so we finished second in the Philippine Nursing Students Association debate held last August 29-30. Capitol University is the champion for 2009.

my consolation prizes are:
[1] the juniors team (XU2) got in the finals
[2] we got to the finals without preparing as much as CU did
[3] we debated without a mentor
[4] i learned much from the experience
[5] i conformed to the theme “Peaceful and Intellectual discussions for Civic Consciousness and Awareness” (at least i think that was the team. I’ll confirm later on.)
[6] mark still thinks I’m indespensible
[7] kuya and the rest of PDC actually acknowledge my existence now! haha.

rants:
i’m beginning to dislike our team captain. she sets practices a day before and she’s so forgiving when it comes to her being absent but doesn’t extend the same scope of forgiveness to us.
i still don’t know the progress of our ward class.

PS
i might try this

anywhere but here

i hate living in this house with impaired communication lines, thick barriers plus egocentric people too caught up in their own pathetic selves.

family is a hoax. i should have died a long long time ago. but then again, i’m rotting at the moment, taking bit by bit off my sanity and sleazy existence so what’s the use of wishes when it’s here?

three more years, give or take. and i’ll be out of here. forever.

i hate you. no, i don’t care about you. starting now.

unsung

I don’t remember any significant event that occured during March 12 and 16, but I ended up writing these lines. They must be from some fictional character I created unconsciously.

I chopped down some parts for personal reasons.

i find comfort in tears;
the echo of pain
staring still enclosed in fear
down on my knees i stay.

had i faith to believe,
could i take out the blow?
lend me, i beg, your seal
life has still so much for me to go.

silence complete slammed doors
flat lines for conversations.
one name left unmentioned–
the blaring gray of absence.

there are no tunes for loss
and not enough verses to rhyme.
but no other being does
let toy cars crumble, wring down the hands of time.

there is still comfort in tears
for how else can we grow grain by grain,
known sunshine amidst the years
had we refused the company of rain?

So this is how it feels like to have gravity hold you down head first.

We can only be whole when we are apart.
Thus is the constant hymn i sing to myself during turbulent times when she stops considering us and forgets that we are hurting too; this is the line that gives me comfort when each one focuses on their pain and suffering, regrets and bitter resentments egging us on to complain with self-pity non-stop.

But maybe she’s right. It is our fault.
WE just love each other and ourselves too much. We just don’t have enough resources, and we just lack enough reasons to justify the anger and frustration boiling in each of us every day.

We’ve exhausted hope because of all the nostalgia trapped in this house that is now too big for us to occupy. We’ve run out of patience from all the waiting for God to take notice of our situation. and we’ve grown tired of the pats and the hugs and the reassurances and the tears because we’ve seen enough of them that could last a lifetime. But we are still stubborn, yes, all of us here. and that is why in spite of our meager income to live by, we amass luxuries once in a while; that despite disappointing circumstances we get involved with, laughter can still find its way out of us.

But I don’t know which is more tragic, the self-pity or the ambitious delusions we flaunt every day in order to survive?

So this is why we need each other.

We need to have an impact on the world, on someone else’s life. We want to be assured that when we die out of this universe, there would be at least one restless soul who would feel the difference; that of the billions still living, we leave behind one individual who will notice our absence. And that’s why we seize the day and live; because we don’t want to be left alone and neglected and be eventually forgotten.