sept29

silence deepens

dreams tucked aside

scars throb harder
without the twinkle in your eyes

hurt relapsing
i long to see your smile again

here it is again–last december 2008

Christmas tolls and wakes

floods through the radio

aids the economy

altering the days

the winds now ice cold

burn through the sky and stars

with all the trees undressed

breaks the heart once more

another year past

one set of cards put down

one box of photos burned

regrets still intact

how pain disconnects

the overwhelming truth

the traumatizing lie

yesterday’s all that’s left

if only

If only I could move closer to you for another moment and feel your tender breath on my neck. I would savor every second of it as I hold your beautiful skin and listen as you speak like a child for one more time. If only I would be able to hold you in my arms again and pretend once more that you belong to me.

If only time had been on our side and I could have loved you better.

***

If only

It has to be one of the most powerful statements in the world. It’s only three syllables long but those small words hold so much in them when uttered. They express the emotions that take us when we let things slip away, when we let people go, when we don’t do anything to make the situation better and they tell our innermost longings. I think it’s simply what makes nostalgia so contagious. Through it, we feel the weight of our choices and grieve for the end of our chance, the end of something that could have happened but will never return. Regrets only come by the time everything is said and done, but their impact can linger on for the entirety of our lifetimes.

And yet, we can still choose not to let those regrets control us. For one thing, we can avoid them by thinking things thoroughly and then take the risk. If we do just that, we may regret having done something out of proportion, but we wouldn’t regret so much because we knew we tried at least. But then, regrets can also take form in the actions we make. So I’m wondering, what hurts you more, doing or saying things that you wished you didn’t, or not doing anything at all when you had the chance?

If only.

If only we have the answers to all the questions; if only love was enough for people to be happy and to survive healthily; if only we would stop aiming for stars that are too far from our reach; If only we weren’t so curious; and if only we weren’t so apathetic and care more often, and then maybe we wouldn’t feel so burdened with our humanity and make excuses out of it.

adieu

today you came.

but this day is also your departure.

To your eighteen years, and for all the years: I hope you’re happy.

Happy birthday Edel John.