weakness

i can see the pattern now:
i’m a sucker for geeks, nerds, bookworms, geniuses or whatever you call them.
to me, they’re worthy of admiration and they get any of my attention any time.

unsung

I don’t remember any significant event that occured during March 12 and 16, but I ended up writing these lines. They must be from some fictional character I created unconsciously.

I chopped down some parts for personal reasons.

i find comfort in tears;
the echo of pain
staring still enclosed in fear
down on my knees i stay.

had i faith to believe,
could i take out the blow?
lend me, i beg, your seal
life has still so much for me to go.

silence complete slammed doors
flat lines for conversations.
one name left unmentioned–
the blaring gray of absence.

there are no tunes for loss
and not enough verses to rhyme.
but no other being does
let toy cars crumble, wring down the hands of time.

there is still comfort in tears
for how else can we grow grain by grain,
known sunshine amidst the years
had we refused the company of rain?

So this is how it feels like to have gravity hold you down head first.

We can only be whole when we are apart.
Thus is the constant hymn i sing to myself during turbulent times when she stops considering us and forgets that we are hurting too; this is the line that gives me comfort when each one focuses on their pain and suffering, regrets and bitter resentments egging us on to complain with self-pity non-stop.

But maybe she’s right. It is our fault.
WE just love each other and ourselves too much. We just don’t have enough resources, and we just lack enough reasons to justify the anger and frustration boiling in each of us every day.

We’ve exhausted hope because of all the nostalgia trapped in this house that is now too big for us to occupy. We’ve run out of patience from all the waiting for God to take notice of our situation. and we’ve grown tired of the pats and the hugs and the reassurances and the tears because we’ve seen enough of them that could last a lifetime. But we are still stubborn, yes, all of us here. and that is why in spite of our meager income to live by, we amass luxuries once in a while; that despite disappointing circumstances we get involved with, laughter can still find its way out of us.

But I don’t know which is more tragic, the self-pity or the ambitious delusions we flaunt every day in order to survive?

So this is why we need each other.

We need to have an impact on the world, on someone else’s life. We want to be assured that when we die out of this universe, there would be at least one restless soul who would feel the difference; that of the billions still living, we leave behind one individual who will notice our absence. And that’s why we seize the day and live; because we don’t want to be left alone and neglected and be eventually forgotten.

walking freak

sometimes i just freak myself out.
take tonight for example.
i and my group mates in RLE were in school all afternoon until about quarter past nine in the evening to finish our visual aids for our case study presentation this monday. since our case was a tad bit long, our visual aids consumed about fifteen or more sheets of manila paper which weighed about a kilo when folded and piled together.
anyway, i volunteered to take home the visual aids(well, i agreed to them at least, when they said i had the nearer house) and, since today is Saturday, i felt like walking home.

trivia!
i have this silent rule to walk home at least once a week during weekends. don’t ask me why because i don’t know the answer to that.

so, i was already in Pabayo street, deciding whether i should go on with my personal tradition or not when my feet started moving on their own accord. by the time i reached Velez-Gaerlan, i already had an inkling as to where my feet would take me. it was a new route home; i was going to pass the Carmen-Macasandig bridge instead of the usual corrales-nazareth pathway. and so there i was, carrying my green floral bag and the pile of manila papers held by the waist level as the cool wind accompanied me home. the cars zoomed
past me and i even had some onlookers stare at me for a time, probably wondering where a woman would be heading at the current time of the night with her hands full of manila paper. as i moved forward, i laughed at myself and reassured skeptic me that it would be a good story to tell to little kids someday. (i find it funny that i was able to picture out an old lady telling stories to little kids when i can’t even begin to imagine myself in a relationship. ironic.) i turned right and passed by tomas saco street and then i took a left towards 14th street soon right after. i ascended the road and i took the right turn and entered the
26th. by the time i made it to my house, the clock showed nine-thirty, which meant that it was a longer route than all the other paths i’ve tried. the next time i walk, i won’t be using the bridge route.

so that’s about the only freaky thing i can share. blame the insomnia playing tricks on me. i’ll stop now. i think i hear a faint call coming from my IMCI assignment and my Microbio book as well.
ohayou.
xp

nothing

how do you keep the fire burning?
what do you do to evade the moment when the flames die out?

time and again, i’ve been caught up in a battle with myself lasting for seconds, hours, days or even months. i’d be lying if i said that i never complained of the rigors that Nursing had me go through and is still requiring me to go through. flashback a few months ago and you’d catch me in a reverie, thinking about shifting to another course or just drop everything and quit going to school altogether. at first it all seemed convincing, tempting, reasonable even, what with so many requirements and mental work required from us everyday plus the fact that my grades were going downhill from my point of view.
but after the tears have dried and the world continued to shift from night to day, people important to me began to feed me with blueprints of the future. and of course, i took it in and bathed in the uncertainty of it. i was blown away with the many possibilities and the beautiful scenes that attracted me to stick to my side of the road. i evaluated my condition and trodged back to walking the path towards a degree in BS Nursing.
yet, the questions didn’t stop. my decision didn’t answer any of the two questions but instead, added more complicated ones!
there did come a point where i felt like i was standing on a cliff, all the time spent in my hands before me, ready for release as i let them fall. but what made me step back and return? what pushed me and is still pushing me to continuee to fan the flame for learning and finish what i started? what is it that feeds my strength and patience and never fails to find any source of hope for me to take with me and go on? for these past two years, i circled my soul and searched for answers. And now, I know.
it’s one thing that light illuminates our surroundings, but it’s fairly a different issue when darkness and bleak flashes of black outs enable the stars and the moon to shine out, and when called for, allow them to share their energy to those in need to let them shine in themselves too. there will always be an ethereal gush of wind that blows us to places where we belong. and this wind that alternates its role as light on one end, and darkness in the other end is actually nothing. it is simply nothing. despair and joy, ambition and pity, sacrifices and rewards–they all come from nothing. but how in the world can something come out of nothing? let’s just look at it this way: when i look at myself, i fear of being forgotten when the time comes that my body will fail to function, and so therefore, i take responsibility and do what i can to avoid being nothing. in the same manner, a rich man wants nothing to do with his wealth, and so he falls off from the society and become somebody else, a “nothing” in the eyes of his ancestors, just like that of St. Anthony of Padua. did i really answer my questions?

ha. it’s wack. but don’t mind me. i can’t sleep and my mind is suddenly overflowing with words.